


Heart of Steel

by Rroselavy



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-10
Updated: 2010-11-10
Packaged: 2017-10-13 04:06:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/132658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rroselavy/pseuds/Rroselavy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the aftermath of their reunion, Goku wants to set things straight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heart of Steel

Goku can sense -- can _feel_ right through to his bones -- that Sanzo is in trouble. He doesn't know how or why, but that doesn't matter, all he can do is yell directions at Hakkai as Jeep catapults them through the forest covering the steep hillside.

They narrowly skim between huge tree trunks, and Jeep bounces off roots and boulders as Hakkai floors the gas pedal. Goku and Gojyo hold onto the rollbar for dear life.

But they're headed in the right direction. Goku knows it, and, for once, neither Gojyo nor Hakkai are inclined to argue with him. The grim set of Hakkai's mouth and the white of his knuckles on Jeep's steering wheel transmit his faith in Goku's directions.

Or maybe it's just that they've nothing left to lose any more.

The aura, or weirdly, the not-aura that's been sliding over Goku's skin like an oily film, is getting stronger. Goku can feel Sanzo's presence in a way he's never experienced before, but all around Sanzo there's a _nothingness_ that seems intent on swallowing him whole.

Worry must have shown on his face because Gojyo's hand claps Goku's shoulder and he leans toward him, against the g-force, to speak close to his ear. "Sanzo's a tough bastard, he knows how to take care of himself."

That much is true. But there's something different about the situation now. When Sanzo left them, Goku believed it was because he'd been too weak; he never thought it would be Sanzo who needed rescuing.

"C'mon, Hakkai! Go faster, dammit!" he yells.

They arrive in a clearing, Jeep's wheels skidding over the loose fill of a dry streambed. Goku is out of his seat like a shot, Gojyo fast on his heels.

Sanzo is limp on the ground, another sanzo in pitch-black robes hovers over him malevolently. A quick glance around tells Goku that Hazel and Gat are there too.

Hakkai seems to know the other guy--Ukoku, he calls him--and the fact that both Ukoku and Bishop Grouse are named after birds would be funny if the scene Goku's stepped into wasn't the stuff of nightmares.

But Sanzo is alive, and that's all that matters now.

Ukoku seems delighted they've arrived and he asks them how it feels to see Sanzo so broken.

It's a stupid question; one so dumb Goku can't believe this guy really got the upper hand on Sanzo. He just doesn't get it.

You don't eat, sleep, shit, shower and shave with a bunch of guys for a couple of years -- hell they could finish each others' sentences -- without losing all sense of self-importance. They've seen each other at their best and worse; seeing Sanzo getting his ass whipped in a fight -- one that probably wasn't fair to begin with -- means nothing, and Goku can't help but mouth off just that.

Sanzo's face is a mask of rage; he's not thinking -- probably went into to the fight with gut emotion, was in over his head before the first punch landed. Goku doesn't have time to think about what could have set him off that way, he just knows what he has to do, and Hakkai and Gojyo are of the same mind. For the moment any animosity they may have harbored toward their leader is gone, or at least hidden in the face of this new enemy.

In the heat of the battle things get hazy. When the dust settles and the four of them have been left alone, except for Jeep, exhausted, injured and aching, Goku knows four things: Hazel was a big, fat hypocrite; Gat was probably the most noble being he's ever met, Ukoku Sanzo is one serious bad-ass, and this isn't the last they'll be seeing of him, despite Sanzo's well-placed bullet.

***

Since that day Sanzo's been more closed off than he's ever been. Goku can feel his presence, but there's a cold void where Goku used to be able to feel his energy. It's like Sanzo's a little bit dead inside. At first Goku'd thought that Sanzo just needed some time to get back to his old self, but as the days stretched to weeks, he'd remained just as aloof. No one talks about what happened, but Goku can feel that it's a part of every conversation. It's kind of like a scab that's always being picked at -- a wound that's never had a chance to heal properly. He hates the way they all fall to silence when whatever they're talking about comes too near to that topic. In many ways, this new tension is unbearable, far more so than the stress they live under every day.

Sometimes, though, Goku catches Sanzo looking at him. When he does, for the split second their eyes meet, Goku thinks he can glimpse something like guilt in Sanzo's expression before it's replaced by his usual mask of indifference. When he does talk to Goku, he's barely civil, and the _harisen_ hardly rests any more. It pisses Goku off, but at the same time, he's terrified that Sanzo's going to bolt again at his earliest opportunity.

It takes a few more days of agonizing for Goku to screw up the courage to confront Sanzo about his attitude. At first it's because Goku doesn't know how to, then because he doesn't know what to say. He wants things to be like before -- before he'd nearly died and Sanzo took off, but Goku's smart enough to realize they can never be the same.

It's like that guy Hakkai once quoted. He said something like you can't step in the same river twice. It took Goku a long time to understand what that meant, mostly because he'd _over_ thought it. When he did finally get it, its simple truth had made him laugh.

Neither he nor Sanzo are the same people they were yesterday, ten minutes, one minute, or even one second ago.

But he's finally figured out what he does want, and when Hakkai and Gojyo announce after dinner -- a meal Sanzo refused to join them in -- that they're going to find a card game, Goku decides that the time is right. He's sharing a room with Sanzo, something that used to make Goku's heart swell, but had more recently been a source of dread for him.

He slips into the room silently, every nerve in his body on alert. Sanzo is perched on the windowsill, a cigarette burning untended in a nearby ashtray. Goku's barely closed the door when he's pinned under Sanzo's intense gaze. It leaves him breathless but unable to look away. Sanzo's eyes are brimming with an expression Goku's never seen before.

"Why don't you hate me? I betrayed you," he growls. "Why are you still alive?" He comes off the sill and stands facing Goku. His questions throw Goku off-guard.

He doesn't want to hate Sanzo. He feels a lot of things about that … that situation, but none of them are hate.

"Don't just look at me like that. Don't just stand there with that stupid expression pasted on your face."

The tension, the loathing roll off Sanzo's body in palpable waves, filling the confines of the small room. Goku imagines tendrils of rage seeping out from under the folds -- much like Hakkai's vines -- snaking over the ground, suffocating everything in their path.

 _Thwap!_

The harisen stings, but the pain pales in comparison to the humiliation. It's one thing when Sanzo hits him because he's annoying, but he did nothing to deserve it this time.

"Stop hitting me!" he shouts indignantly. It seems to work for a moment, Sanzo's arm drops to his side in mid-swing.

"It speaks." Sanzo eyes glitter coldly and then he raises his arm again.

 _Thwap!_

"Sanzo, why--"

 _Thwap!_

"Stop it! I don't like it!"

 _Thwap!_

"Then do something about it," he says. His voice is dead serious.

Goku knows he's being provoked. He screws his eyes shut as an anger he didn't think he was capable of, wells up inside and threatens to burst out. Several more blows land, each one more forceful than the previous.

"Che. I thought so," Sanzo huffs. "Then get the fuck out." His voice is filled with disgust, and Goku wants to know why Sanzo is being so cruel, but he knows better than to ask.

"No," he says stubbornly instead. The anger leaches away and a sense of resoluteness takes its place. "I'm not going anywhere." He opens his eyes and crosses his arms defiantly. He's blocking the door, trapping Sanzo inside. He half expects Sanzo to point his gun at him and threaten him, but Goku's not afraid. He's never been afraid of dying. What has always terrified him, since the day he found out he wasn't alone in the world, is the knowledge that someday he'll be alone again.

"I'll give you three seconds to move."

Goku digs his heels in as Sanzo approaches. He doesn't know what to expect, but judging the furrow of Sanzo's brow; it isn't good.

The hit, when it comes, surprises Goku with its ferocity. A punch to his sternum takes his breath away, and the next thing he knows, Sanzo has him shoved against the door, his forearm pressed against his throat, cutting off Goku's air. He tosses the _harisen_ aside and adds more pressure. Goku swallows against the sensation. It hurts.

He knows that when you're being choked, the trick is to relax your neck muscles, most of the damage you do to yourself is fighting against the feeling. When he manages to do that, Goku's able to capitalize on Sanzo's surprise and he easily pushes him off.

He doesn't have time to wonder if that's the end of their scuffle before Sanzo is on him again. They both know Goku's strong enough to hurt Sanzo, but he won't. Goku thinks that's what Sanzo's counting on. Even so, for the time being he parries Sanzo's attacks, but that only seems to make Sanzo angrier. His attacks become wilder and Goku finds it's getting harder and harder to defend against them without actually harming him.

"Cut it out, ya jerk!"

"I told you. Make me."

It's maddening. Sanzo's finally lost it, Goku thinks. Retreat seems his best option and he makes a break for the door, only to end up with his face planted firmly in the worn carpet. Sanzo's knee, or elbow, or fist, lands hard between Goku's shoulder blades. White hot sparks of pain scatter behind his eyelids.

He's had enough.

Goku's hand reaches around blindly and bumps into Sanzo's leg. He grabs behind the knee and brute-forces him off. Goku can feel Sanzo's weight pushing in opposition, and, for a second, he relents. The shift is enough to throw Sanzo off-balance and they scramble briefly for the upper hand.

In the end Goku pins Sanzo relatively easily -- he ends up straddling him, his hands pinning Sanzo's arms to his side. Between hitting Goku repeatedly and then wrestling with him, Sanzo must have exhausted himself. Still, he writhes beneath Goku, doing his level best to buck him off.

The first thing Goku realizes is that the rhythmic movement feels _good_ \-- in a way that it never should. The second thing he notices is that Sanzo is _hard_. The bulge of his erection juts prominently against the back of Goku's thigh. Goku leans forward until their chests nearly touch. They're face to face, their eyes lined up. Goku can feel Sanzo's breath; it puffs rapidly against his skin. Dropping his gaze, Goku feasts upon Sanzo's parted lips, and suddenly he knows exactly what he wants to do, and hell, if it gets him killed, at least he knows he'll die happy.

At the last microsecond, Sanzo must have realized Goku's intent, because the kiss lands on the side of his mouth rather than head-on. Goku's beyond caring, though. His tongue slides insistently between Sanzo's lips; he tastes like coffee and cigarettes - normally two things Goku wouldn't associate as good, but inside Sanzo's mouth, the flavors border on heavenly. Goku's tongue drives deeper, a needy moan bubbling up from his throat that turns into a yelp of pain.

He pulls away abruptly and rolls off Sanzo, his hand covering his mouth.

"Ya bit mah tongue!" he exclaims in indignant shock.

"What the fuck did you expect?"

Sanzo stands up slowly and makes his way to the bed. He sits down on the edge and Goku scrambles to get further away from him, watching him warily for any sign of movement toward his gun, or toward the fan.

"I' huhts!"

Sanzo only shrugs. But he's staring at Goku with that unfathomable look again -- a mix of guilt and now Goku realizes belatedly, hunger -- it makes Goku feel like he's being looked at from inside-out.

"I should have known you don't have the balls to take what you want," Sanzo snorts.

The statement throws Goku because, dammit, didn't he just nearly get his tongue bitten off for doing exactly that?

Sanzo's hands grip the edges of the mattress, he's anything but relaxed, but Goku's at a loss as to what Sanzo expects of him. His tongue throbs and he rubs it against he top of his mouth while he tries to make sense of the equation Sanzo's left him with.

He doesn't taste blood, at least.

Distilled to its basic, most rudimentary formula: he wants Sanzo. The fact that he attempted to show that -- however ill-advised and clumsy -- and is still breathing means something profound, something that stirs in Goku's loins and makes his pulse quicken. He comes up on all fours and watches Sanzo's posture change; his back stiffens in anticipation of Goku's next move.

He might as well go for broke, because he knows they've reached a point of no return. He's not going to make the same mistake twice, though. Goku crawls toward Sanzo, his movements slow and measured. This low and close to Sanzo, Goku can smell his arousal; it's unlike anything he's ever scented before - tantalizing and ripe. He wants to thrust his nose into Sanzo's groin and get drunk on the fragrance.

He reaches Sanzo's knee and rubs his head against the inside, pushing Sanzo's legs further apart. Goku closes his eyes and sighs against the denim.

"I'm never gonna leave you," he whispers. "Nothin' you do is gonna make me hate you," he adds for good measure, not even sure he's talking loud enough for Sanzo to hear. His blood is roaring, deafeningly, in his own ears. All Goku knows is that he's still alive and Sanzo is as still as stone.

"Is this what you want?" he asks, raising his eyes. Sanzo only grunts noncommittally but Goku feels his body trembling beneath his lips.

The subtle change blows his mind. Saliva pools in his mouth and Goku feels his dick grow; his pants become uncomfortably tight.

"Fuck," he whispers reverently. His voice is shaky. And honestly, he's never thought of the vague need he's been feeling recently in those terms, but damn, if he doesn't want to do just that. He imagines Sanzo helpless beneath him, imagines his teeth pressed into Sanzo's skin, imagines his lips wrapped around Sanzo's hard dick, how good _that_ would taste.

He comes to a kneeling position in front of Sanzo and then he pins Sanzo's hands in their position on the mattress. He feels Sanzo strain against him, but Goku's grip holds fast.

The quality of the air about them changes subtly. Goku can't put his finger on it at first, but he notices the difference -- there's a calmness where just moments ago the tension between them had been electric. And there's this other sensation -- as if everything had been spinning out of control and had now suddenly become perfectly aligned.

Their breathing synchronizes. Goku can feel Sanzo's in the cool whisper of air on his cheek, can feel the rise and fall of his body. Goku closes his eyes and can feel how the pattern excites him, his heartbeat quickens from the arousal. It's how Sanzo feels, too. Goku knows it. To voice it, though, would cheapen the moment and break whatever spell seems to have fallen over them both.

He can't retreat now. Not with the gauntlet Sanzo has thrown and the strange, passive way in which he's reacting. Not when Goku knows this is what they both want.

This time when he approaches Sanzo's lips, it's Goku who turns his head at the last second. He stifles the grin that threatens when he feels Sanzo's lips, feather-light, against his cheek. Before it can register, though, Goku turns his head again. Their lips meet and something crackles along Goku's skin. He presses their mouths together firmly, willing every ounce of control he can muster into his movements. He opens his mouth tentatively and absorbs a muffled groan. Forgotten now are the fact that he has Sanzo captive, as well as the injury Sanzo inflicted on his tongue. He surrenders control to Sanzo.

Sanzo's kiss is all teeth at first. He nibbles on Goku's lips, then sucks on them and it's Goku's turn to groan. His control slips away. His hands tighten around Sanzo's wrists and Goku surges forward. Their teeth bump together momentarily before he sweeps his tongue into Sanzo's mouth once again. He half expects to be savaged, but no pain is forthcoming. Sanzo's tongue slides over his and sooths the spots where his teeth had sunk in.

Goku feels a wet heat blossom and he pulls back suddenly.

"What is it now?"

Sanzo's voice is strained and tinged with disbelief. Goku can't meet his eyes. He sits back on his heels and drops his hands to his lap.

"I … I--I made a mess," he says miserably. He flinches with the expectancy that Sanzo will laugh at him.

The seconds tick off in silence. And then Goku feels a gentle touch to his chin.

"We'll just have to rectify that," Sanzo says, his lips curling up at the corners. He draws Goku closer and then kisses him again.


End file.
